The problem with a lovely log burner is that they are more addictive than alcohol or tobacco and that they burn logs....lots of logs.
It is for this reason that I have a chainsaw and an axe.
For those of you townies who get heat by pressing a button you should know that a chainsaw is a device that works on the same principle as the loud sounding motorbikes that the track-suited thugs ride through your garden at midnight while being chased by the local constabulary.
A chainsaw runs on a mixture of petrol (which is dangerous) mixed with oil (which is sticky and messy)
Now when you watch the latest zombie film, the chainsaw is the trusty device that you hold with your right hand while pulling on the string two or three times with your left hand until it roars to life like the screaming 50cc motor bike that it emulates. After this the chain spins and things get chopped.
Not quite so in reality.
First of all you have to service it. Is the chain tight? Probably not so we need a spanner and a screwdriver. That's ten minutes we just wasted. Then do we have lubrication oil for the chain? Lets put some of that in too. Is the chain sharp?...well last time I used it I decided I would sharpen it the next day, and I didn't, so no it isn't. Lets get the round file out then shall we, sharpen the chain, that's a 30 minute job.
Eventually we decide to start it. You can't do the movie pulling the damn thing while it is in your hand thing because when you pull on the string the whole chainsaw moves upward, including the hand you are holding it in.
You have to put it down and stand in the handle. (Imagine doing this as the zombies advance)
Then what happens is you pull the string and it goes chug, so you pull it harder and you hit yourself in the face as it goes chug. This face hitting happens no matter how many times you have used a chainsaw or sworn not to hit yourself in the face again. It is probably done for comedic value because whatever gods there may be don't like the idea of a sword that sounds louder than theirs.
After rubbing your wounded nose and cursing yourself for an idiot you pull it again and the string snaps. This can happen at either end of the flywheel or handle or in the very middle of the string, but wherever it happens you need to get the screwdriver out and fix it. This takes at least ten minutes and a sense of humour.
After this you can try to start it again and after some time and some general grunting and some sore knuckles as you knock them on the body of the chainsaw you will get it started.
A quick flick of the throttle and the engine revs....but the chain doesn't spin.
Adjustment....you just tightened the chain, there is the little screw for adjustment just beside the chain. You get out the screwdriver, loosen the screw a little, rev the engine, it moves but not enough, adjust some more rev it, the chain spins and we are off.
This is great. You now have ten minutes to chop wood before it will run out of fuel or the chain will become loose, fly off and give you a battle scar. 40 minutes of frustration to get the damn thing going and ten minutes of chopping. Then you start at the beginning.
I also have an axe, that's for blatting the bloody chainsaw into tiny bits of metal and plastic.
Then I take it to chop wood.
Which I need for the log burner because winter is coming and I have to get it into the barn and dry.
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